Rachel Alucard and the Hunt for Fried Squirrel and Chocolate
by Kimmo Pronger
Summary: A rewrite of Aunt's Flow to Rachel Alucard mixed with parody, much more foul language, awful author cameos, and apologies to the person who came up with the original idea, ApprenticeTrashman as I have probably butchered his idea badly. Still want to read? Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh and, for those of you who recognize me, hi! Been a year!


Rachel is on her time of the month. You think a woman is a bitch when she's on her period? You ain't seen nothing yet, boi. Her power, when she's on her time of the month, increases so much that it eclipses that of the Sleeping Crimson-Eyed Pigtails. You don't even want to imagine that kind of power level. She would eradicate anything should you anger her when she's on her time of the month. Ten Black Beasts wouldn't stand a chance. They'd all die like fucking pussies.

Considering that a woman's time of the month comes...well, every month and with the kind of power she has when in that state, why hasn't the universe been destroyed yet? Well, there's an answer and his name is VALKENHAYN R. HELLSING! ...What? I wanted to sound like a Blazblue announcer. Fuck off. Anyway, he single-handedly keeps this universe in tact by knowing all the right things to do when her time of the month begins. Don't ask me, I forgot to ask for details. Look, all I know is that Valkenhayn should be given a fucking statue for all the good he does for this universe and _especially_ being the thing that keeps everyone alive by holding back BOTH the Sleeping Crimson-Eyed Pigtails AND Rachel Alucard when she's on her period. You better suck his crusty old balls for that. I know I would. I don't care if that's gay.

 _Anyway..._ I'd bore you to tears if you were reading a story without any sense of conflict or crisis. Like, really, you'd be bored out of your fucking mind. So...what's the crisis in this? Like I said, Rachel is on her time of the period so that should be Valkenhayn's cue to save the universe again! Unfortunately, even he's capable of making mistakes…

* * *

The sagacious gay-I mean-gray wolf hummed a tune to himself as he readied his master's tea for the morning. He took great pride in every fucking task that came with the job he was assigned by the daddy dearest Clavis Alucard. Once in a while, like anybody who works, he wished there was more that came with the job. He would pick the absolute worst time to have such a wish. Sounds like a typical granddad that wants to spoil his bitchy granddaughter.

As he carried on his five fingertips on his right hand a silver tray that carried a teapot with a teacup that was resting on a saucer-all of which had elegant designs-he approached his master in the rose garden. The breeze felt nice through his hair...which is gay. And that means Valkenhayn is gay.

Something seemed amiss once he walked close enough to have a clear look at Rachel, though. She was clutching her head while also being slumped over on the table. Alarm bells immediately rang in his head, so he sped to his master's side while still keeping the tea set in perfect balance on his right hand. Should she be sick, his next absolute-first priority was to get her healthy again. No gay joke this time, I promise.

He gently greeted her, "Good morning, Madam Rachel," in his old, soothing granddaddy voice.

Rachel jolted her head up from the table and squarely looked Valkenhayn in the eyes. Upon gazing at her bloodshot eyes, he could have sworn he'd be reduced to ashes with her glare. Rachel screamed at him, "WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT IT?! You should be more considerate when initiating conversation! When you say 'good morning' to someone who is clearly not having one, you'll earn yourself an earful of scorn! Have I made myself clear?!"

Holy shit she sounds like a bitch! I said that...not Valkenhayn.

Valkenhayn took two steps back, the tea set shaking with each step he took, "I-Is everything alright, Madam?" He had the right approach in mind which was being understanding, not talking back to his master. Unfortunately for him, that would not be enough. It never is when it comes to a woman on her period.

Rachel put her right forehand on her forehead as she leaned back on her chair, as if to act dramatic, or possibly to show that she was actually falling faint. "Oh, _everything's_ just wonderful! Nothing quite like a VICIOUS migraine to start your day, eh Valkenhayn!? Well? HOW ABOUT IT?!"

This butler didn't think that his politeness was winning him any points. He knew it was out of character for her to be acting like this, not that it's already clear that this is something that's not meant to be taken fucking seriously as hinted everywhere within my narration. He had a few logical (boring) explanations in his head. Perhaps she didn't rest well. He tried to give her a healthy distraction. He had hoped he wouldn't be losing any of his old precious bones by the end of the day. "Ah, my deepest apologies Madam, but perhaps your morning tea will ease your mind a bit?"

In a single motion that only lasted a single second, the petite vampire managed to swipe the entire tea set from Valkenhayn's hand and lay it perfectly flat on the table with everything still sitting where they should be. She took off the lid of the teapot and then pour _all_ of the tea into the tea cup, which made her butler's eyes grow wide. The poor cup could not hold all of that tea, so it overflowed onto the entire table, spilling everywhere and even the table could not hold all of the tea in place. It was dripping everywhere, and the table looked as if it were feeding the roses below it the spilled tea.

Rachel spat the tea back into Valkenhayn's face, which was accompanied with a burning sensation on all of his poor old skin pores. Surprise overcame him as he could have sworn that the tea was _hotter_ than when he first prepared it, as if she turned the tea into acid! HOLY SHIT, SHE WAS PISSED OFF BUT IT'S LIKE SHE PISSED ON VALKENHAYN! FUCKING...VALKENHAYN!

"YOU CALL THIS SWILL WATER TEA?!" Rachel spiked the tea cup into the roses that were in lieu of solid ground, "MAKE IT AGAIN!"

Valkenhayn started to pussy out and took a few more steps back from the table. Every inch of his old cranium told him that if he were to show any blatant signals that he was trying to escape, his head would be on the chopping block. That, and he was also sure there'd be a consequence like that should he flee from his duty. Then, a lightbulb lit in his head. He took out his pocket calendar which had many, _many,_ intimate notes about his schedule and predictions on Rachel's behavior on each day. However, there was a detail that threw him for a loop and made his eyes feel like they could pop out of their sockets. He had Rachel's period scheduled for the _next day._ Valkenhayn also remembered that menstrual cycles can be quirky as they can sometimes occur ahead of schedule. He was one day off the mark. No excuses were made-he had himself to blame. The poor geezer. He did not have the luxury of time to prepare his tactics that were 100% foolproof for when such an occasion occured. So instead, he had to improvise.

"Dear God…" he whimpered.

Rachel slid off her chair and huffed some air. "Enough of this! There is only one thing that's able to rid me of the splitting headache and that is the disturbingly rugged bum that calls himself Ragna the Bloodedge!"

No, he thought. Not even _he_ deserved a fate like this. The butler slowly raised his hands parallel to his body to signal that he came in peace. "N-Now, Madam, I beg your most sincere pardon, but I would highly advise against that. Especially considering your current...condition…"

"My condition!? What is wrong with my condition?!" The blonde vampire screamed, making clear she was in no mood to beat around the bush.

"Forgive my impudence Madam, but I would ask that you-GAH!"

Valkenhayn's sentence was cut off when Rachel dove straight at him, hitting his forehead with her own, knocking him the hell out cold.

She spat whatever tea remained in her mouth at his unconscious body, "Me thinks you should have been more concerned with your own condition, you shriveled old prune!" After saying that, she tossed with one finger, his body into the rose bushes that bordered the surrounding gates.

"Now then, I must away! The object of my amusement awaits!"

With a strange-sounding battle cry that was unfit of an aristocrat, she initiated a teleportation spell.

And so the story begins...for the possible end of the universe. Everyone's going to die like a little pussy when Rachel's on her period. It would seem as though Ragna would be first on her list of people to give a slow and painful death to. The only saving grace to this situation is out of commission. Now that period Rachel is running rampant, one can only assume and count down the days, hours, even seconds before the universe comes to its unfortunate end.

Slowly, a piece of paper that was drifting through the breeze found its way into the rose garden and rested itself onto the fucking table. The tea was still on it so the paper absorbed some of the tea almost immediately. Before the paper could be come completely unreadable, the note said the following…

" **What the fuck am I doing spending my free time that I could be sleeping making this shit? I was discussing an idea of a quality fanfic with someone and before I knew it, I start cracking-I mean-cranking this idea out again. I mean hell, is this the kind of shit that happens when I'm stressed the fuck out of my writing intensive classes with a short novel, 10-minute play, and magazine article that I have to write within two months and also am nostalgic for Blazblue? I don't think I had this kind of fic in mind for a triumphant return to this section, reviving an old dead story and injecting my own twist of humor into the rewrite..."**

The rest of the letter was illegible.

* * *

You know what's rare? Ragna having a nice evening to himself. Since he was-you know-a wanted criminal with a bounty on his head, he couldn't simply waltz into town. So instead, he was content with simply taking a casual stroll down the dirt path in the forests in the outskirts of Kagutsuchi. He was wearing a small smile on his face. He had just cooked some nice meat for himself, drank some fresh water, and didn't sleep with one eye open for once, too, since his master, Jubei, offered to keep watch for him the previous night.

Little did he know, he was in for a rough, fucking ride and I don't mean anything sexual when I say that.

Suddenly, he heard behind him a strange sound. He turned around to see that a certain crimson-eyed vampire with pigtails emerged from a pure-black portal. "Oh. Heya, rabbit."

In a single second, Rachel was instantly in front of him and he actually slapped him in the face SO HARD that the force of the slap was enough to knock him out of his boots. Literally. His footwear was now only his socks.

"What in the hell was that all about, Rachel?!" Ragna practically screamed, still astonished that he had been literally knocked out of his shoes.

"You know damn well what!" She yelled before she suddenly warped away on another portal.

"You can't just hit and run like that! Hey!"

Ragna got back up on his feet and as quickly as he did, Rachel teleported back while holding a steaming hot tea pot. Oh lookie here! I made a rhyme!

"There you are! I don't know what you're trying to pull but I-"

The poor sap wouldn't get a chance to finish his sentence before he was scalded with the hot tea that Rachel heaved on Ragna. She didn't even look angry doing it. She was simply very casual in chucking the tea to Ragna's face.

"GAH! What is wrong with you!" Ragna again screamed as he felt the tea practically melting his face.

Rachel simply shrugged while trying (badly) to conceal a toothy grin. "I haven't the faintest idea, but you should definitely clean that shirt. Be grateful that I will assist you."

Ragna wouldn't have time to respond as she'd teleport them both back to her rose garden.

* * *

The first thing that Ragna noticed when he was in the rose garden was the smell of excrement. Once he got a bear on his surroundings...he noticed that there were...farm animals floating in the air. He was too scream. Instead, he just said in his inside voice with heavy anguish, "I don't even...this day actually started out normal…"

Rachel curled her right index finger up at him. "Enough of your prattling and pop that top off."

Once again, without any time to react, she pulled on one sleeve with all her might and as a result, Ragna was sent spinning like a top out of his own coat. "Easy, rabbit!"

Rachel took care to inspect every little thread of cloth that was conceivable to her eyes. She became quite impressed with how clean Ragna kept his crimson-red jacket. "There is no tea on this coat…"

"Yeah, no kidding, so can I have it back?"

Rachel glided a hand over the cloth to feel its softness, "It is actually quite nice to the touch. I'm actually surprised…"

Growing impatient, Ragna asked again, "Yeah, so can I have it back!? Also, what is the deal with the farm animals floating around here! There are cows, chickens, roosters, more cows, horses, pigs, and did I mention cows!? Seriously, what's with this place and cows! Did you put them here?! Also, why are they floating-"

The vampire did a single snap of the finger…

"Oh...they're...gone?" Ragna shrugged his shoulders. "Least it doesn't smell like shit anymore. Anyway, can I _please_ have my jacket back?"

"No, this is mine now." Rachel coldly replied.

"HUH?!" Ragna could not believe that this vampire, who was acting so crazy today, what with tea, farm animals and all, was going to claim ownership of his jacket.

With his jacket in her possession, she proceeded to wear it. "There we are, truly a coat worthy of me!"

"She looks kinda cute…" Ragna whispered to himself. He observed how the sleeves were clearly longer than her arms were and how some of his coat outlined the frills of her gothic dress underneath. Perhaps Rachel did have a point…

"Well, what are you waiting for then? Off with your shirt," Rachel "pointed" at him with the sleeve of her newly acquired jacket.

"Wait, but if I don't have a shirt, and you won't give me back my coat, I'll be running around half-naked here!"

"Yes, that's the point, and I am sick of waiting!"

She wasn't going to be denied, his protests were futile. With all her strength, she managed to yank off his shirt with little to no effort. It was impossible to deny or resist Rachel when she's on her period. Ragna didn't even have a single second before Rachel would yank his clothes off, spill tea, or have farm animals float randomly in the rose garden. It was all her today, and she was going to make sure it was going to stay that way.

"Goddamn it! Really, what has gotten into you today!?" Ragna angrily asked as he felt shivers of the cold coursing over his skin.

No response. Instead, what he got was a blank stare from Rachel. He couldn't discern a distinct emotion from her.

"Rachel? Are you gonna stand there or are you gonna get your stupid butler to clean my shirt?"

Snapping out of her trance, thanks to Ragna's voice, Rachel nodded in agreement with Ragna's question. "Ah yes, but of course." The solution she ends up conjuring required Ragna's shirt to be crumpled up in her hands and then tossed in the exact same spot where Valkenhayn's unconscious body is...which she actually does.

"What the hell was that?! You just crumpled it up into a ball like my shirt was paper! And what's with the old geezer?! Did you do that, too?!"

She scoffed at him, "Relax, would you? He will get to it when he gets to dit. And now, seeing as he is busy, I will require YOU to make me some tea."

Ragna raised his hand at her to get her attention. "Hey! You didn't answer my question about him! Like, shit! You're actually giving me more shit than usual and now you're asking me for favors?!" He wouldn't say "yes" after all the sudden torture she was giving him, especially with the stripping.

"No, of course not. I am _commanding_ as your Queen!" Rachel responded with some venom mixed in her voice. Right on cue, there was a sound of booming thunder to punctuate her authority.

"Bite me," Ragna taunted, refusing to be intimidated.

"In due time, but for now, I suppose you will require some persuasion…"

Rachel snapped her fingers and in that instant, Ragna started to feel much lighter. At first, he thought he was floating but when he looked down to the ground…

"H-Hey! Give me back my sword!"

If he didn't feel naked before, he would feel naked now. His jacket was now Rachel's, his shirt was crumpled in the rose bushes, and now he's also been stripped of his weaponry. The poor bastard really can't catch a break here. If he really thinks he can't take it anymore, he'll be the first official casualty of Rach-HELL.

"I will deliver your sword back to you... _after_ you make me my tea. Make it snappy."

"I...you...goddamn it…"

Smart move, Ragna. It's best to play along if you want to stay alive. Considering that she kinda has the hots for you, you're pretty lucky to be alive. But Rachel, man. Nothing can stop this woman. Valkenhayn, the only sure way of preventing this calamity is out of commission, and Ragna now in the hands of Rachel, has become her plaything.

Holy shit. We're just getting started ladies and gentlemen. If Valkenhayn's tea wasn't any good, how would Ragna's be better?


End file.
